How can we not be upset?
So Eleanor Roosevelt said ‘ No one can hurt you without your consent’. And I get it, of course I do. We can’t choose how other people behave, we can only choose what we do, how we react.
We can choose to walk away, or we can decide to ignore what they have said or we can argue back. There are other things we can do, you may have done, that I just haven’t thought of.
But in reality, this is very much easier said than done, even for people that have little significance in our lives. I would love to be able to be that person who does not ever give consent to others to hurt me. I would love to be that confident, that strong, that self assured all the time…but who is?
Everyday in life we meet people for a moment or two that are unwittingly or wittingly mean, or unpleasant. The doctors receptionist who just isn’t listening, the shop assistant who is strangely rude, the judging man on the bus who glares at your crying baby/toddler/child/best friend. These are people we may never see again in our lives, or have extremely limited contact with but still they hurt us, make us feel little, embarrassed, cross, frustrated. As good old Rag n’Bone Man said, we’re only human after all.
It may bother me from time to time over the rest of the day, however hard I try to ignore it. There I am innocently eating my lunch and ping! into my head comes the image of the sneering face, or the tone of the unhelpful administrator and I am back there, feeling those feelings and squirming a little with the residue of my experience. I am able to put it to one side, I don’t let it ruin my day, the moment passes it’s true but it still happened.
So if people I don’t know can affect me this way then what about the people who are important, significant, emotionally intrusive in my life.
Because it’s all well and good to say people can’t hurt me unless I give them permission but I am not an automaton, and nor should I be. If someone forgets my birthday and I jokingly (maybe a little passively, aggressively) let them know and they still don’t seem that bothered…it’s going to hurt. They matter in my life, why don’t I matter in the same way in theres?
We can work on our self worth and inner critic but people matter and therefore what they say and do matters. You can work hard at accepting people where they are at, and see their inner light. You can set firm boundaries and minimise contact with them to keep you from getting hurt too much. You can do all the things the books tell you, and follow every empowering quote on the internet.
But in the middle of the night when you’re lying there and that moment pops back into your head and replays, or when in that instant you feel stung, rejected and ashamed because of the actions of another then isn’t it important to acknowledge that pain, that hurt, that shame? To see the feelings and embrace them for what they are.
We are upset by the remarks of others, we are hurt by insignificant peoples comments, we do feel the burden of others judgements, let’s not pretend we don’t.