Insidious blurring.
So I was thinking about boundaries and how we all go on about them, and how sometimes we soften our boundaries because it’s compromise, or because it’s easier. But sometimes we soften our boundaries little by little, bit by bit, allowing people to disregard our feelings, to take for granted our forgiveness.
We may be able to pinpoint the big boundary crossings. Say when somebody tries to get us to loan them too much money, or asked us for the fiftieth time to look after their dog/kid/grandma or even those ‘so sorry I’m late, it won’t happen agains.’ They are quite simple almost, sometimes we can even feel ourselves losing patience, thinking next time they ask I just won’t do it (we probably will but…)
There are other times though, other moments that are less obvious and more, shall I say, insidious?
Here’s an example
‘You know that book you borrowed, could I have it back please. Leslie needs it for her essay and it was hers in the first place.’
‘I gave it back to you already.’
Thinking ‘No, I don’t think you did…did you?…I’ll check.’
And off you go, you have a look around, you text Leslie because maybe you forgot. It happens.
‘No, Leslie says she never got it back, and I can’t find it. I think you still have it. Could you just check, maybe. I don’t want to be a bother.’
Adamantly, ‘I gave it back to you. You’ve obviously just lost it! I don’t know why you’re always blaming me. Tell Leslie to get one out the library or something.’
You text Leslie. ‘I’m so sorry Leslie, I think I’ve lost your book. Obviously I’ll pay for a new one. I really must apologies.’ You feel silly, a little embarrassed maybe. After all Leslie lent you the book in good faith.
But later that day
‘Oh I found that book. You know what I’m like always forgetting things. Still no harm, no foul.’ Hands book to you and walks off.
So, what’s gone on here. Nothing too bad, right?.
But imagine someone never taking ownership of their mistakes, never apologising for the inconvenience they have cause. Imagine that it’s always you apologising, patching things up, putting yourself out there to fix things, to make everybody happy.
Because sometimes we do make mistakes, and so do other people. Making mistakes is OK, it’s human.
How could it have gone?
But later that day
‘I can’t believe it I found that book you were looking for!’
You reply ‘Thank you for giving it back to me. I felt a little upset and embarrassed that you blamed me for losing the book. Especially talking to Leslie.’
Hopefully there will be an apology.
So that’s you taking ownership, isn’t it. It’s you speaking up and saying their behaviour upset you and that it’s not OK for you to always have to take the blame. Sure, life is busy and manic sometimes. But in one scenario we blur our boundaries, we allow others to disregard the difficult situation we have been put in, we don’t advocate for ourselves.
And no, it’s not massive and no, it’s not the end of the world. But it’s about saying, ‘I had to go and apologies for your mistake, I had to feel that I had got it wrong, and you didn’t acknowledge that or apologise.’
Simply put it’s about respect. Your respect for yourself.