It’s OK not to feel OK.

I think there’s a need in our world today to make all the bad things go away. To feel that life is only OK if it’s all rosy and wonderful with no ‘bad’ bits or uncomfortable feelings.

But actually is this totally unrealistic and is it ultimately setting you up to fail?

We simply can’t eradicate all that we don’t like, sometimes life is just about getting through the day. It’s not wonderful or joyous, in fact maybe’s it’s been a bloody hard day and all you want to do is go to bed, eat ice cream and watch crap TV. And when those days happen, you need to be able to cope, to know you have the resilience to do so or to fall apart, realising you can be put back together. To understand that they are not forever.

A day in front of the TV watching rubbish, feeling rubbish. A walk in the park over thinking a bit. A switch off of phones because just for today you want quiet, to wallow, to feel sad, stressed, angry, frustrated. Or just for today you’re feeling great and you don’t want anyone bringing you down.

You’re not running from reality, you’re not drowning in sorrow. It’s OK for a little bit to not be OK, it’s OK for a bit to just enjoy your day without feeling guilty because your friend’s day is not so great.

Let me make this clear though this isn’t about getting on with things by yourself, or putting your head down and soldiering on regardless. But it is about staying with the feelings that are perhaps a little uncomfortable (and some people find good days uncomfortable). It maybe about feeling the feelings. It could be that the mean little voice is there but realising it doesn’t have to be listened to. Or perhaps it’s about taking some time, because you’re exhausted, because you’re at your wits end, because you need it.

We seem to live in a world where our mental wellbeing is supposed to be healed, like a broken limb. But it’s just not that simple (and let’s face it a lot of broken limbs heal but not quite in the same way as before they were broken.) Our mental health is fluid, it changes, it’s event driven, hormone driven, influenced by many things out of our control and then some days are just bleurgh.

I notice in my counselling space that so many people feel this pressure. ‘I haven’t put self care in today’, ‘I’m not pleased with my new job in the way that others are’, ‘I feel guilty because I don’t want to let others down’, ‘I should be happy my life is OK, why aren’t I happy?’ And panic, anxiety ensues.

In counselling we talk a lot about staying with the feelings and this is what we mean.

You are frustrated about a colleague at work. OK, let’s stay with it, let’s look at what’s going on for you. Let’s admit that perhaps you simply don’t get on with them.

You feeling tired, but you know you should go for a walk today, all the apps say so, all the algorithms say so, all the just 5 ways of self care say so… But do you say so? Because some days a walk is great but others shutting out the world for a couple of hours is the self care you really need.

OK you’re agitated, anxious you have a lot going on, kids, elderly relatives, job, bills I could go on… So why do you feel the need to apologise for the holiday you have booked? To play it down -’oh it’s just a week…nothing special…’

Of course we all want stress free, happy lives and why shouldn’t we work towards it. But you’re not a failure because today was a bad day, because this week even though everything is going well, it’s also a lot, there is also the fear of losing it all, of it all going pear shaped. Let’s acknowledge that, let’s not ignore it and minimise. Let’s be OK with not always being OK.