So I have low self-esteem, who cares!

OK, so let’s get clear what I mean when I am talking about low self-esteem, because we all have our definitions and misunderstandings often come from lack of communication.

Self-Esteem according to the Cambridge online dictionary is the ‘belief and confidence in your own ability and value’.

So it means that you think, generally speaking, in the world you are worthy of being in people’s lives, of being where you are in life, worthy of love, friendship, your job, your family and so on and so forth. Not all the time, every minute of every day but generally speaking as you wend your way through life’s delights.

Now all of us have times of doubt, points where our self-esteem is challenged, or shaky. Stressful times can play havoc with our self-esteem, that new promotion suddenly has you unsure if you are good enough, or have enough experience. Or the brand new baby in you arms makes you crumble, for a bit, with the weight of responsibility for this tiny human. Or in a new romance you suddenly start questioning your choice of outfit, scent, hair style. And all this anxiety comes under the realm of that word ‘normal’.

Life can be stressful sometimes, we get anxious, we start to wonder if we are good enough, or if we deserve it. Have we worked hard enough, long enough, are we better than (insert name here) because maybe they should have got it…

But we rally, or we reach out for reassurance, and our loved ones boost us up. Give us that chat. Look at us, roll their eyes and tell you how much of an idiot you are sometimes, and of course you’re wonderful or amazing, and of course you deserve it.

But for others this self esteem thing is a mystery, something that is talked about in dark alleys, hushed meetings in different languages, languages which sound familiar but use words that seem alien when formed in their mouths.

Perhaps as they were growing up nothing they did was enough, they could have solved world hunger and their parent, guardian, significant adult would have found something wrong, or compared them unfavourably with a sibling.

Perhaps it wasn’t that they were compared, they were simply ignored, unseen, all achievements passed without creating a ripple, they were worth nothing to those that they should have and so they became meaningless.

Maybe there are other reasons, each individual has their individual story, their journey to this place of low self esteem. And these stories are important and they need to be reflected on, acknowledged and processed.

But these stories can also be limiting and suffocating.

It’s not blame, it’s not saying that this is a purposeful thing, but humans become comfortable in their narratives. In the story of who they are. And they become stuck in the cycle of not good enough. It’s not a pleasant place to be, but it’s safe, familiar and doesn’t involve that scary thing called risk.

It stops being a reason, and starts to become an excuse. And people who care start to get frustrated. Because nothing changes.

Does this sound harsh?

Remember that definition…belief in your ability and value.

It’s your belief, not someone else’s, it’s your responsibility.

It’s not about doing it your own, we all need support, encouragement and love. But it is about stepping back, noticing how your beliefs are limiting you, out dated beliefs, fed by someone else, given to you in someone elses words.

And this is what counselling can do. I have often heard in my session how I, as the counsellor, have provided a different way of looking at something. I offer it up, and the client decides if they like the fit. Maybe they take a little of it, maybe they decide no, not for me. It’s offered, sometimes in different ways, without expectation or judgement, in that place that is safe. And it is. Safe. It’s a place to practice with those words that feel alien, to learn that new language, to slowly, gradually build up the belief of your ability and value which has been there, hidden, all along.