Me a photo? No thanks!

Until about 18 months ago if you looked through my camera roll, there weren't a lot of photos of me.  Some occasionally, with other people.  Ones I'd been strong armed into! 

Social media, something which I am still fairly new to, insists on you exposing yourself.  People like to think they know you, through your snapshots and selfies.  And they do a little, but only the bits you choose. Let me tell you, I still hate it.  I always will and that's OK.  Needs must! Sometimes you have to be a little brave and step out of that much cited comfort zone.  Into the uncomfort zone?

And I post a lot on Instagram and LinkedIn about boundaries and people pleasing.  Helping people, looking after others, making them feel they matter to me, in general. That’s important to me as a person. I wouldn’t want to get rid of it. It’s when it comes at a cost, it’s when those boundaries between helping others and pushing my own needs down so far I can’t see them become blurred or non-existent, that’s when perhaps a little bit of checking in is needed.

But perhaps I post less about that mean little voice, that inner critic, that constant narrative on repeat in my head, pulling me down. Because the people pleasing and boundaries, I've worked on, I'm working on, I'm getting there and I see the difference, in myself and in others when we talk about it in our session.

But that nasty little voice can become quite loud. That moment when you realise that perhaps someone is asking a little too much, or that you are exhausted and in truth don’t have the capacity, but still you push yourself further because the guilt of putting your needs before someone else’s can be crushing, can be so weighty and awful. And you listen to that voice telling you how selfish you are, or how if you have time to sit for 5 minutes then how come you can’t help (insert name here). You listen and allow it to rule you.

Changing is scary, unknown, unfamiliar, it feels…weird.

And sure it can be made quieter, and I can turn the volume down regularly and often tell it to shut up.  Sometimes I physically shake my head.  Sometimes I stick on music, very loud. But, it's easy to listen to it's sonorous tone, because then it allows me to hide away, this awful person that I am, this difficult child, this argumentative adult, this person with opinions, thoughts, needs that don't always match others, that aren't always convenient.

People pleasing is just that you please others before yourself, sometimes at the expense of your authentic self.  You compromise to the point of loss.  And when you do stand up and speak up you are shamed for it, by yourself, by others, and the mean little voice in your head smiles slowly, it's grin spreading across its' sour, twisted face and says with glee 'Told you so!'

So work in progress, and that's OK.  Because by my exploring and reflecting I am gaining understanding and acceptance, not avoiding but looking at, square in the eye. Because by trying again, and succeeding, and failing, and succeeding, it becomes less unknown each time, and more familiar.

Something I hope all my clients, my colleagues, my friends and those I do not know will get to experience for themselves.