Uncovering the Unseen: How self-awareness helps us grow.

We are such complex creatures aren’t we? Sometimes we surprise ourselves, and often we surprise others. They think they have us pegged and then we do something that unsettles them a little, astounds them or simply seems ‘out of character’.

Or there you are trundling along in life and you make an unusual choice, not knowing where it came from, who was that person. ‘Was that really me?’ you think, ‘Because normally I would have said no to that.’ And you almost wonder who it was that said yes, cos it certainly didn’t feel like you!

I’m babbling a bit, so let me clarify. There’s this wonderful thing in counselling called the Johari Window. It was named after its’ two founders Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham. It’s a simple concept but actually when you reflect on it, it opens up so many thoughts, paths and possibilities.

Essentially if you look at the picture I have kindly provided, the Johari Window is telling us that there are things about us we know all about for example I am an early person, being late is not my happy place. Other people also know this about me. But then there are parts of me that I know about me, that perhaps others don’t. For a long time I struggled with panic attacks for years, most people would never have known this, I was an expert at hiding them, and they often happened at night. I don’t talk about them much or at all really.

On the other side of the window, there are the parts of me that other people see but I am not aware of. I have been told I give off a calm energy. If people had not told me this I would never have known it. But lots of people do, so perhaps there is some truth in it (I still find this funny and uncomfortable when people mention it).

And then there is the complete unknown. I don’t know it, you don’t know but it’s there perhaps waiting to come out at a later stage, or hidden so deep that it would take much time and effort to uncover and see it.

This could be, for example, someone who is extremely loud, boisterous and friendly but that behaviour is actually covering a hurt and fragile part of themselves. They may not appreciate or realise their noise is about covering the silences, because who knows what lurks in the silences!

Why it feels safer to keep parts of us hidden.

And this area of unknown is a great area to work with because maybe it’s about us accepting all the parts of our selves. The good, the bad and the ugly as such. Mr Jung (or Carl to his friends) talks a lot about something he calls our shadow selves. The parts of us we don’t want others to see. The repressed bits, the angry bits, the frustrated bits. But they are part of us and if we are ashamed of them, then we are in essence ashamed of parts of our selves. Jung believed it was through accepting all the parts of us that a wholeness could be felt, a self-understanding, a balance.

I have seen this in sessions. I have had clients who will evade a topic and that needs to be respected. Defences, denial, blind spots may well be there for a reason, to strip them away, to remove them perhaps would be akin to removing a cast before a broken bone has healed properly.

Sometimes healing comes in stages, sometimes we know to stay away for the moment because somewhere within the depths of our unconscious that little voice is not mean, even though it sounds it. It’s actually keeping you safe until you are ready and if you are not ready, you are not ready.

I’m there to give a gentle nudge maybe a couple of times, but if that nudge is met with resistance then it is not the time. You have to trust the instincts of the person sitting opposite you. You have to respect them and let them guide you.

To reveal everything all at once can be overwhelming and scary. It can leave us feeling vulnerable. A step at a time, a truth at a time, a realisation at a time. And all in your time.

It’s time to be kind and compassionate, to ourselves (as well as others).

To treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion we give to others is hard, and often takes a lot of practice. That mean little voice (even if it’s in protection mode) can be pretty loud and very persistent. My one talks before I’ve had a chance to process. ‘What did you just say! Oh my god, you idiot! For goodness sake they’re going to see how weird you are now…’ and so on and so forth. I didn’t always recognise it for what it was, it was the parts of me that over the years others have felt uncomfortable with, and instead of them dealing with and looking at their why. They pushed their discomfort onto me and I felt ashamed of the unique me, the quirky me.

It was also trying to keep me safe, from what it thought was me making a fool of myself, misplaced kindness. If I put you down enough, that voice believed, then you will stay quiet, and if you stay quiet then you will be safe, no one will laugh at you, no one will tell you you are getting it all wrong.

Now I am starting to embrace those parts and by doing that I am also accepting the irritated me, the frustrated me, the cross me. Oh it’s still very much a work in progress, and it will always be. None of us are perfect and nor should we be. Old Rag N’Bone man knew what he was talking about, we are all only human after all.

Perhaps if you book a session (or two) with me we could look at all those parts, the parts you know, the parts you keep hidden and maybe we’ll even find a surprise or two. But what we will do is create a greater self awareness, a greater awareness of who you are and why you do.

Through awareness comes choice.

The chance to break habits and behaviours that have been keeping you stuck for so long.