Are you one of those people…?

Are you?

You know you’re sharing something with a friend or in a group and then you notice.

You notice the person you’re talking to looks uninterested, their gaze has wandered, they’re nodding and hhmming at the right spots, but…

Or

They’ve asked you how you’re doing and you answer with something more than ‘fine thanks’. And they begin to look uncomfortable, because all they really wanted was ‘fine thanks’.

Maybe you have been accused of being over sensitive, or over thinking. Perhaps people have told you you take things too personally. Or that you should carry on talking regardless of the other persons reaction.

But actually you’re not too sensitive, you just notice other people, you’re aware and conscious of those around you, how they’re feeling. It affects you in a way that it may not for everyone else. And you may be over thinking but that’s who you are, you worry and you want people to feel comfortable.

Let me give you an example.

So the other day I was chatting with someone, hearing about their summer, what they had been up to and they asked me whether I had, had a nice summer. I began to answer, telling them that I hadn’t managed to get away this year, and how it would be nice to have had a holiday. And then I noticed, they began to shift slightly, to look uncomfortable. They gave those answers. You know…’Well, maybe you’ll get away next summer’ or ‘Well at least you’ve managed to get some relaxing days’. They mean well but they’re worried you’re going to go into a full out moan fest. (Full disclosure - I’ve done it too, given those short, everything will be OK answers.)

Do you minimise yourself or carry on talking?

And so you have a choice here. Because you could carry on regardless, some people do. Pretending you don’t notice the other persons discomfort. Watching them squirm a little more with each honest confession you make.

Or do you quieten your voice and stop talking? Agree with the statements about how it’s not that bad, and you’re glad actually, not to have had the hassle of travelling Slowly ebbing away yourself, squashing and reverting to the polite answer. The one that leaves you wondering why they asked in the first place! So that when you walk away you’re left feeling a little rejected perhaps or flat.

There isn’t one definitive answer, personally I think it depends.

With some people it is a social nicety, they are asking to be polite and they do not want a full run down of your woes. And fair enough. I remember a bloke who use to go into full detail of his medical woes when you asked how he was doing. Too much! And we weren’t even that friendly. It was a playground conversation, a casual chat with a casual acquaintance. Surface and that’s fine. I didn’t need the ins and outs of his doctors appointments.

But then there are those people in your life who matter. The ones who are friends at a much deeper level, who you may have supported and listened to in their moments of life angst.

And if they are then what’s wrong with you hoping to get the same in return?

Because if you’re the sort of friend who always has the shoulder, who listens and cares. Offers an ear when needed or a solution if asked. The sort of friend who’ll come round with the ice cream or film, or text back and forth for hours. Then what is so awful about you needing that too from those special people in your life?

You’re not a burden, you’re not too much. You don’t see your friends like that, do you? So how comes you see that in yourself?

You’re not a burden, after all do you consider your friends to be when they ask for help?

So what is it that causes you to push down your needs the moment you notice someone else’s discomfort? To be so aware of those tiny reactions in others, the ones they may not even realise they’re doing.

Why do you feel your needs are not as important others?

And what about those feelings of frustration when once again it seems that you are unheard or dismissed.

That moment when you minimise your needs, make yourself small perhaps to appease others, perhaps because being a burden is unbearable.

That is the type of thing we look at in counselling.

Because we often have patterns, we often behave in similar ways. And noticing these behaviours, reactions, noticing our feelings perhaps of guilt or shame. Perhaps of being too much. Exploring them, reflecting on them, talking about them so that we can try to understand what is going on for you.

It’s not about blame.

It’s about noticing what we do, and deciding rather than reacting.

Choosing to continue with awareness or perhaps to try something different.

The choice is yours.