Are you a People Pleaser? I am in recovery.

People pleasing…what does it mean?

We hear so much about it don’t we? Is it a bad thing? Can it be a good thing? How do you know if you are one?

OK, the definition on merriam-webster.com says ‘a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires'.’

And that’s the important part, I think…’at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.’

Because let’s face it we all put others before ourselves occasionally. Miss out on something to support a loved one. Sit through a show/concert/dinner we don’t want to be at. Tell a little white lie here and there to smooth things over or placate someone or calm them down. There’s nothing unusual or unhealthy about that.

But when you are constantly putting your own needs to one side, or letting things slide because you don’t want to make a fuss, appear difficult or argumentative. When the other person begins to expect it, when they become cross or fractious when it doesn’t happen. When it’s all give, give, give with no reciprocation. Then is it still OK, still healthy?

If we constantly put our needs to one side then it can lead to frustration, it can lead to unheard voices, unnoticed needs, to feelings of invisibility, insignificance and maybe to anger, resentment even hatred of others, or ourselves.

Believe me I speak from experience! I lost the ability to know what I liked, what I wanted. I became so adept at molding myself, shaping myself to fit other peoples needs, desires, requirements.

You run around after everyone else, it’s fine I can fit that it in…no worries I didn’t really want to see that film anyway…yes that is my favourite food but it’s so much more enjoyable to see you happy…no I don’t really want to have a relaxing break, I’d much rather go on a trek over the Brecon Beacons!!

One of those might be fine, but if this is a constant scene being played out in your life, maybe you could stop and think. Why do I need to do this, please others at the expense of myself? What am I scared of?

I was scared to lose people. I was scared no one liked me. I was scared that I would be abandoned for something better. Does this sound familiar? Or perhaps you have your own reasons. Or perhaps you don’t know why, it’s just how you have always been.

I remember once going to a fancy restaurant at a time when I was deep in the hold of disordered eating. It was like I was being imprisoned in hell but one with polite waiters, crisp table cloths, resplendent surroundings. I sat, I ate, I smiled, I WAS having a good time, no one would have seen anything different.

But was I having a good time later? On my own in the middle of the night. Trying not to bring back up the rich, opulent food I had consumed (not because I wanted to but because my body couldn’t cope with it). Did I say anything? Of course not. It wasn’t about me, I was being ridiculous, I was being over-dramatic, I was being selfish.

Now I can see how voiceless I was and I feel compassion., compassion for that lost girl who was just trying to be liked.