Why Do I Always Put Other People First? (And how to stop feeling guilty about saying no.)

So there I am it’s been a really busy week. I’ve been out every night and work is piling up. The house is a mess and I’m already feeling guilty about the lack of time I am spending with my kids. All I want to do is sit, stare at the tele until the clock tells me I can go to bed when ping! A text comes in.

‘Disaster! Things are really tough at the moment and now I’ve had an email from work saying I have to have to get a project in but they’ve moved the deadline up by 3 days. Please, please, please could you look after my kids tonight. I don’t know what I’m going to do, if you don’t!’

How can I say no, how can I let down my friend, they need me, they’re at their wits end, and I know what that feels like, because so am I. So instead of a quiet night in front of the box I have 2 extra children in my house needing feeding, entertaining and cajoling into bed.

The scenarios change but the feelings, the guilt, the exhaustion don’t. No being able to say no, to let my friend down but strangely enough letting myself down is not so difficult.

So what is it that leads us to put others needs before our own, not just occasionally but often and to our own detriment? And how can we put boundaries in without the side dish of crushing guilt?

Why Do I Always Put Others First?

So what is it that makes us always prioritise other peoples needs? After all it’s OK to be there for a friend, or compromise every now and then. But when it begins to interfere with our ability to cope, when it overloads and over whelms us then perhaps it’s time to step back. To pause and think about what may be going on here.

There can be a variety of reasons behind people pleasing behaviour and many of them stem from fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being disliked, fear of conflict, fear of getting it wrong.

Perhaps in your family you were the designated peace keeper, the one who had to capitulate in every argument or disagreement. You pushed your own needs and thoughts aside for the greater good of the family, after all what did it matter if you didn’t get to chose the take away this week if it kept your brother, sister, mother, father happy?

Or maybe you were bullied at school, and now you have friends. People who want to hang out with you, who like you, and the idea of losing them…oh my goodness… you’ll do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen! Even if it means making yourself small, always being agreeable, never rocking the boat.

There could be messages you received from family, colleague, friends. It felt as though every time you expressed a need or opinion you were criticised for it. Told you were being selfish, not caring what other people wanted. How could you have wishes and desires and dreams. So you learned that it was better to simply stay quiet.

Putting others before you has just become the norm, how it is. What can you do it’s what people expect.

The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing

The trouble is when we push our own needs down we cause ripples. We overstretch and over promise. We leave ourselves no time to recover, or to simply just be. We see self care as selfish and the guilt of even minute moments of peace can eat us alive.

Exhaustion, burnout and in the end resentment ensue. Resentment of others asking too much from us, exhaustion of always trying our best and never getting it right. Emotional and physical burn out as we lose ourselves amongst the needs of others.

And one of the hidden costs we may not think about is how unequal our relationships become. If we do not allow others to help us what message do we send out? Helping others can bring joy, purpose and connection. And it works both ways. We unintentionally, through kindness and compassion block our loved ones compassion for us.

The trouble is when we do we feel terrible. We’re being a burden, a bother. We want too much, we’re too much.

Small Steps to Start Saying No Without the Guilt (Even Though it’s Hard to do)

That guilt you’re feeling though, it’s very real and heavy but that doesn’t make it the truth. It maybe something you have learned over many years. But if it’s been learned then it can be challenged and changed. It’s not about letting people down it’s about respecting yourself. Recognising your limits and honouring them.

It doesn’t mean you stop helping and caring. You keep being the person you are, showing compassion and love in the way you want but now there are boundaries in place, now there is time for you to recharge so that you can show up better for others, for yourself.

Small steps.

Small no’s.

Perhaps not even no’s but more, ‘just not now's’. More honesty, more openness, more real connections not ones built on people pleasing, resentment and guilt.

Of course you can help your friend but unfortunately the kids can’t sleep over, we all have an early start in the morning.

Or even maybe one day, ‘I would love to help you but I’m exhausted and I’m just about coping myself perhaps …. can look after them for you this time?’

And even if it’s a yes this time, it’s about noticing, about seeing your need to please so that maybe next time the answer could be different.

Small steps.

So I wonder what’s one tiny ‘no’ you could practice this week?

If you struggle with people pleasing and guilt, then counselling can help you find your voice and feel more at ease with saying no (or maybe).